Sample the Vodka to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again.
To be sure that it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl…
Add one teaspoon of sugar…
Beat again..
At this point it’s best to make sure the
vodka is still OK….
Try another cup….. just in case….
Turn off the mixerer..
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit..
Pick fruit up off floor..
Mix on the turnerer..
If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.
Sample the Vodka to check for tonsisticity.
Next, shift two cups of salt….. or somfthing….. who giveshz a sh*t….
Check the Vodka….
Now shift the lemon juice and ssstrain
your nuts….
Add one table…
Add a spooon of sugar or whadever you can find…
Greash the oven and p*ss in the fridge…
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over…
Don’t forget to beat off the turnerer..
Finally, throw the bowl through the window….finish the Vodka, kick the cat
…and fall into bed….
Cherry Mistmas!!
Romance and Mathematics
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not
try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married
men
are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and
she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me
in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped
after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE
SMART GUYS YOU KNOW
CAN HANDLE IT.
An English - German Joke
The European Commission has just
announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the EU rather then German, which was
the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's govt.
conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English";
In the first year, "s" will replace
the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor
of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have 1
less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced by the "f". This will mak words like
"fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new
spellling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they
should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary
"o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and imilar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of
leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl
riten styl. To mak it ezir
to red, al nouns wil ekum Kapitalizd. Zer vil be no mor Trubls or
Difikultis and Evrivun vil find It ezi tu understand ech Ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!! IZ GUT JA?
FEMALE BENEFITS
We got off
the Titanic first
We can scare male bosses
with mysterious gynaecological excuses
We never ejaculate
prematurely
We get to flirt with
systems support men who always return our calls, and
are nice to us when we blow up our computers
When we buy a vibrator
its glamorous, when men buy a blow-up doll its
pathetic
We can be groupies, male
groupies are stalkers
We can cry and get off
speeding fines
We've never lusted after
a cartoon character or the central figure in a
computer game
Taxis stop for us
Men die earlier, so we
can cash in on the life insurance
We don't look like a
frog in a blender when we dance
Free drinking
Free dinners
Free moving (you get the
point)
We can hug our friends
without wondering if she thinks we're gay
we can hug our friends without wondering if we're gay
we know the truth about whether size matters
New lipstick gives us a
whole new lease of life
If we have sex with
someone and don't call them the next day, we're not
the devil
Condoms make no
significant difference to our enjoyment of sex
If we're not making
enough money we can blame the glass ceiling
We can sleep our way to
the top
Nothing crucial can be
cut off with one clean sweep
It's possible to live
our whole lives without ever taking a group shower
We don't have to fart to
amuse ourselves
If we cheat on our
spouse people assume it's because we're being
emotionally neglected
We never have to wonder
if his orgasm was real
If we forget to shave,
no-one has to know
we never have to reach
down there every so often to make sure our
privates are still there
If we're dumb, some
people still find us cute
We have the ability to
dress ourselves
We have an excuse to be
a total bitch at least once a month
We can talk to people of
the opposite sex without having to picture
them naked
Gay waiters don't make
us uncomfortable
We'll never discover
we've been duped by a Wonderbra
A Bank Joke
(Slightly risque, so don't read if you are easily
embarrassed)
A little old lady went into the
Bank of America one day, carrying a bag
of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much
consideration, the bank staff
finally ushered her into
the bank president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank
president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$685,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The bank president was of course
curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I
make bets." The bank president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square." "Ha!" laughed
the bank president, "That's a stupid
bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged,
"So, would you like to take my
bet?" "Sure," said the bank president,
"I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said,
"Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM, as a
witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident bank president.
That night, the bank president
got very nervous about the bet and spent
a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side
to side, again and again. There was absolutely no way his balls were
square... he was certain to win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely
10:00 AM, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the bank president's office.
She introduced the
lawyer to the bank president and repeated the
bet: "$25,000 says the
Bank of America's president's balls are square!"
The bank president
agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants
so they could all see. The bank president complied. The little old
lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the bank
president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I
guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the
lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The bank
president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your
lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00
AM today, I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hand."
More jokes later.....:-)
